Debut Into Society
November 2021
Dear Kaibigan,
I’ve noticed more people dining in restaurants and gathering outdoors in large groups. I see the embraces and hear the laughter in conversations. I can tell those who naturally gravitate towards physical closeness apart from those who are reluctant to have their personal bubble become smaller or burst. I still see more people than not wear masks even outdoors, and, certainly in Oakland and San Francisco, I interact primarily with COVID-conscious individuals. There is a comfort I feel in knowing I can go into public spaces like a store, a restaurant and on the streets and be surrounded with people who are prioritizing their and others’ health and safety. I feel relieved that I live in a state and a region that has a community-centered approach when it comes to public-health issues. I pay gratitude for the privilege of being a survivor of this pandemic and having access to healthcare resources. I am mindful of the losses and the lacking or absence of resources others endure. I observe my surroundings and the people who inhabit them in these public spaces, and I think about how we individually emerged out of stay-at home orders and throughout this pandemic. How our unique emerging was in essence our ‘debut’ back into society.
In the Filipino culture, a Debut is a grand, coming-of-age celebration for an 18-year-old girl, or young lady, to be introduced into society as a woman. Latin cultures have a similar custom called a quinceañera and debutante balls in the USA. Several generations ago a Debut marked an 18-year-old woman’s eligibility to be courted by potential suitors for marriage. It was also common for those in the middle and upper classes to have extravagant debuts that emulated grand weddings, and a way for families to play matchmakers so the daughter would marry well, into the same group in society or to someone the family knew. Over the years it has become less marriage-oriented and more of a celebration of the debutante’s life and entry to adulthood.
Traditionally, the debutante wears a grand ball gown and is surrounded by family and friends throughout a program that includes a rehearsed cotillion by the entourage court made up of 18 individuals close to the debutante - nine males and nine females, an “18 roses” segment where the 18 important men in the debutante’s life present her with a single rose and invite her to dance, and an “18 candles” segment, where the 18 important women in her life light a candle and give individual speeches and well wishes. The 18 roses symbolize the debutante’s readiness to be in romantic relationships and courtship while the 18 candles represent the women in the debutante’s life who will guide her in her life journey.
I use this cultural custom of a Debut as a framework to look at the ways I feel and have shown my readiness to connect with others and to be courted by family and friends to gather in-person during this tumultuous and bizarre time. My debut back into society has not been grand and formal like an 18th birthday Debut. An outsider looking in would have seen cautiousness, initially limited indoor and in-person interactions and movement towards larger group get together and public outings for life milestone events like a funeral and a birthday. While I don’t actually offer anyone a rose and invite them to dance, I have asked specific people to spend time together in person. Some I’ve planned a visit in their homes while others in public settings. In turn, they’ve also reached out to me and included me in upcoming celebrations, plans and random gatherings.
The anxious thoughts around safety and increased risk of infection or transmission remain for me, yet I feel more empowered to visit and to accept invitations and courtship for quality time. I did think about who are the specific people I want to see again? Who are these individuals, regardless of gender, I’d include in my 18 Roses? The ones who I want closeness with and to share a special moment, a figurative dance? I made a list…you know I love lists…of my must-see people. I was surprised who I placed on the list without much thought and at how many slots were left vacant! I eventually filled all 18 slots within the 5-minute timeframe I gave myself. This exercise affirmed for me who I truly missed and the relationships that add to my social/relational wellness. My 18 Roses people are the primary relationships that I invest in and are priorities to spend quality time.
My debut back into society has also included reflecting on the relationships that have sustained me through the years and through the pandemic. Much like the 18 candles ceremony in a Debut, I’ve asked myself, “Who are the core individuals, my 18 Candles, in my life who I entrust to guide me and support me in my life journey?”. I made another list…no surprise here…of my trusted confidantes and of the ones who I want influencing and inspiring me. The takeaway from this list is that I don’t have 18 candles because the relationships I have on this list are curated. I’ve intentionally cultivated relations with individuals who I respect, learn from, humble me in how they interact in this world, with whom I feel emotional safety, and who I absolutely adore. My social/relational wellness is amplified by them. My 18 Candles are of core individuals who have guided and continue to light my path in living bravely and authentically, simply by being who they are and generously loving me.
For almost two years many of us have been cocooned in our homes and felt oppressed by the restrictions placed on us because of the virus and safety protocols. We each have our self-imposed precautions of how we interact within and outside of our homes. The transition out of quarantine, stay-at-home orders, travel restrictions, and a general feeling of being preyed upon by an unpredictable virus (for those who believe it exists) can be emotionally and mentally shocking. You may have felt restlessness and eagerness to go out and do as you please. You may have experienced frustration and anger with the change in lifestyle. You may have felt content and relieved to be at home and to leave only when necessary. You may have felt unrelenting hardship doing basic activities and getting on with your day. This pandemic may have been an opportunity for solitude, travel, or to miss and appreciate the people and the activities to which you no longer had access.
Our pasalubong for this month is an invitation to explore your own Debut, your emergence back into society:
What has your debut back into society looked like? What would an outsider looking in see?
What would they notice in your interactions and movement outside of your home?
What has been helpful to feel at ease being out in public and gathering in person?
What has gotten in the way?
What else needs to be available or in place for you to socialize with others?
Who have you been spending time with and how do you share connection to these individuals? Which of these interactions have been by choice versus force or necessity?
Make your list of your 18 Roses. Who are the individuals you place on this list for quality time? For each person, explain the reason they are one of your 18 Roses.
Make your list of your 18 Candles. Who are the individuals you trust to support you and offer guidance in your life journey? For each person, explain the reason they are one of your 18 Candles.
What is one thing you can do to invest in and amplify your own social/relational wellness now that you have debuted into society?
Appearing back into social circles or surfacing into new ones can take some emotional, physical and mental adjustments. The traditional Filipino Debut has families acting as matchmakers and party planners for the debutante. Your debut is unique to your preference and is dependent on your readiness to interact with others, including in-person and virtually. You are the matchmaker and party planner. You decide what is comfortable for you and what you can do without both in social interactions and in relationships. Lean on your 18 Roses and 18 Candles people to care for you, support you and guide you in your process of wellness and living.
Happy connections to others,
Angel, on behalf of The Giving Well