The Importance of Including Elders in our Lives
Photo source: mabuhaynews.ca
November 2022
We’re entering the season when celebrations and time with family and loved ones become a priority in how we socialize and how we also reflect on who matters in our lives. I’ve been thinking about how we include groups of people, specifically historically marginalized groups, in our social events. I was reminded that older adults, or more commonly labeled as ‘seniors’, can often be one of these historically marginalized groups because of their age and the relegated roles non-older adults impose on them. How do these older adults, who are elders in our society, stay relevant in our communities? And why is it important to include them in our lives?
I know that while older adults typically occupy a role of an elder in families, some groups have elders not necessarily based on chronological age or family lineage. I use the term ‘elder’ to encompass those who we view as a person with wisdom and life experience or one who has an authority role and we rely on for guidance. I think that for our wellness, particularly our social/relational wellness, including elders in our lives allows us to be tethered to our ancestors, stay rooted in our culture, and connect to others in a humble manner. I now share what I understand to be the significance in actively including elders in my life through direct gestures while keeping in mind their wisdom of who and what matters in life. Essentially, how including them and what I’ve learned from my interactions with them have expanded on my sense of belonging.
We’re not alone in this world
Filipinos, like many collectivist cultures, are taught to respect the elders, both within the family and those in the community, be they strangers or relatives. Elders are believed to have earned the respect of the younger generations through their age and their collected wisdom and experience. A way Filipinos express respect and honor to our elders while they are still alive is through a gesture of mano or pagmamano that dates to pre-colonial times.
Mano or pagmamano custom is like hand-kissing. It’s performed by a person giving the greeting by bowing down toward the elder while taking the elder’s right hand and pressing it on their own forehead and asking, "Mano po" or “Can I have your blessing?” The word “mano” is Spanish for hand while the word “po” is often used in Filipino culture and language at the end of each sentence as a sign of respect when addressing someone older or in an authority role. Typically, someone may ask for the mano from the elder upon entry into their home or upon seeing them. This is an act of recognition of the elder’s wisdom and position in the family or community.
An outwardly display of respect to our elders tames our narcissism and, instead, sends a message to our brain that we are not the wisest, most experienced or the most important person in the room. Expression of respect to our elders also communicates acceptance that we don’t know everything, we don’t have to know everything, and that we can turn to someone who has more knowledge when needed.
This humility of not-all-knowing can ease us into seeing ourselves as part of a whole group rather than merely being ego-centric and thinking just about ourselves. We can better recognize that we aren’t alone in this world, even when we feel lonely, if we see ourselves as part of a group that includes those who are a source of knowledge.
Be a Polite Guest
In the Philippines, it is considered impolite if one does not perform the custom of pagmamano when entering the home of an elder or upon seeing them at a gathering. We call it bastos/rude, or ill-mannered.
I carry this teaching of being polite into spaces I visit. I grew to understand that being a polite guest and person includes being considerate of someone and how my presence may affect them. I’ve gotten better at entering surroundings and social spaces looking, listening and being aware that the space is not mine to claim with greed. It is a shared place, a borrowed place. And I am a guest.
It’s important that we communicate with others that we are co-sharing the time and space, and we must do our part to acknowledge them and be considerate of their presence. I bring a pasalubong of gratitude with me when visiting friends and getting together at someone’s home because that is a cultural custom that I value and my way of showing respect and appreciation as a guest.
How do you convey appreciation for others and shared space, kaibigan? Do you look to the person whose home you enter and wait for them to invite you into areas of their room, or do you just walk into them? Do you ask for permission to touch or use their belongings? Do you pay attention to social interactions of a family whose home or event you’re visiting or to the locals if you’re visiting another city or country to guide you in familial and cultural norms? Do you walk on half of the sidewalk to make room for persons walking in the opposite direction or do you walk in the middle?
Being a polite person can begin with being humble that you aren’t the most important person in that space or that you aren’t the only person whose presence matters. You can be attentive and respectful of how your presence affects the people, especially the elders and older adults, and the spaces you inhabit. I found that this type of attentiveness and humility has grounded me to feel that I’m part of a larger entity, resulting in a sense of belonging.
Ask questions to deepen emotional connection
You may have had parents, caregivers or relatives relay stories and opinions that start off with, “When I was your age…” and your response may have been eyerolling and sighing in annoyance. These are common responses to such story starters because we expected that we were going to be lectured on what we should and shouldn’t do. Gosh, how annoying was it to be told how we should act in contrast to what we wanted? Our younger brains had a hard time taking in these stories and opinions, and maybe our current brain still does.
Well, what if you were to listen beyond the opening line and formulaic statements made by your elder? What if you were to listen for the moral of the story told? How many versions of fairy tales have been written yet carry the same message of advice or lesson? I urge you to think back to your elders’ storytelling and consider what was the moral theme that ties these stories together? An aha moment for me during a conflict with an elder many moons ago was my realization that their lecture through storytelling was not so much about explaining right or wrong behaviors, it was them expressing a fear that I would place myself in a harmful situation. I reflected what I heard them say rather than focusing on why I didn’t agree with their ideas on good behavior. I asked questions regarding their fear, and more questions on what they did when they made mistakes. I got to know that elder as a person who is fallible and who made owning up to mistakes acceptable. I grew to trust this person as someone who genuinely cared.
How would you like to get to know your elder? What questions would you ask an elder to better understand their experiences? What kind of questions would you pose to your elder and to yourself to help you pinpoint morals and themes in the stories they tell you? The important aspect to remind yourself is to ask questions to deepen connection. If you can do so with an elder, it’ll be more comfortable to engage in this way in your other relationships. You may find that showing this kind of curiosity in someone helps keep and make friends.
It’s so easy to dismiss an elder’s attempts to connect with us through their stories. Their “when I was your age” starter is just a version of “once upon a time”. Listen actively to the underlying message and engage with them through questioning. You may find that you not only heighten your understanding of what they are truly conveying, you may also feel a renewed appreciation of them, the relationship, and the ties that bind you to a feeling that you belong.
Our pasalubong for this month is a collection of poems on aging and growing old(er) to inspire you to compassionately consider the elders and older adults in your life and how including them in your life may help you to humbly connect with them and others in your life.
The temptation to minimize the importance of elders may lay dormant or be active for you. After all, it’s much more convenient to socialize with peers as we view them to be our contemporaries and can easily relate to their experiences. Including elders in our lives by paying respect to them and of their leadership role, applying the act of politeness we would endow onto an elder into other social interactions and in shared spaces with humility and consideration, and engaging with elders through active listening and asking questions allow us to connect in generous ways that enhance our sense of belonging in this world, particularly during our holiday seasons.
With kindness,
Angel, on behalf of The Giving Well