Capacity Blindspots
May 2021
Dear Kaibigan,
I’ve been thinking about my principal work as a therapist lately - my fascination with mental health and counseling, what I learned through my training and work experiences, how I’ve changed because of my work. Many therapists are drawn to our vocation because we had practice taking care of people in our own families and communities. This caretaking role, nurturing and attendance to others’ needs comes with blind spots. One blind spot is perceiving ourselves as being okay despite going through a rough time. We push through even if we don’t have the capacity to keep going at the pace we’ve been on while we’re dealing with our own stress or trauma. We hesitate to ask for help because we feel guilty that we are leaning on others to be available for us. We work hard not to be a burden on others. Can you relate to any of this in your own life? What are your blind spots?
A recent struggle amongst many AAPI is a deep sadness, fear, and anger that arises whenever they hear or see examples of violent, unprovoked attacks on someone with an AAPI background. I commonly see these victims of violence as being elderly, unaware of the perpetrators’ presence and who were going about their day as if it was any other day. The surprise of these attacks makes such incidents even more frightening because they’ve been unpredictable and against the most vulnerable individuals within the AAPI community.
Back in March a dear friend stated to me, “I have never been afraid to be Asian until now” in response to the mass shooting in Atlanta, Georgia. Feeling terror is not a new experience for many AAPI and BIPOC individuals. You may have at some point in your life felt scared as a member of a historically marginalized community regardless of where you’ve lived. You may fear for your parents and relatives who are part of a vulnerable age group. You may fear for your AAPI and BIPOC peers because their communities are continuously hurt and violated. You may fear for their and your physical and emotional safety.
I typically see when people are stressed or terrified about something in their personal lives that they cope by working longer hours and focus primarily on the work-related stress. You may be one of these people who lean on your occupation as a source of comfort or distraction. You feel confident in what you do or perhaps the social aspect gives way to feeling reassured that your vulnerability is not that big of a deal. This is a blind spot. It manifests as pushing through at work while your capacity to tend to yourself and your wellness are low. It manifests as pulling away from social interactions and some relationships altogether.
An advantage of my profession is having the skill-set to strengthen my awareness when I am feeling vulnerable in some way and making a conscientious choice to do something with my vulnerability. What I’ve committed to doing is more self-care and dedicating more time for myself than on work in order to be soothed and to recharge. This commitment has included not taking on new clients and projects. This has at times looked like not responding to messages immediately or after a certain time of the day. I’ve spent time outdoors for longer periods of time while the sun is out. I’ve talked to people who I trust and feel emotionally safe with, including with my own therapist. I’ve sat with the discomfort of intense emotions by talking about them and celebrated the emotions that offer me relief. I have a responsibility to my clients in my role as therapist to show up for them and to not allow my pain to distract or to take over their time and space. Taking care of myself in my own time through various ways helps me to reset and reenergize which in turn causes me to be present for my clients, focus on the work I do within my profession, and be attentive in my other roles and relationships. I choose to do less work and more care in my personal time to sit through discomfort and recharge. Yes, this includes leaning on others for help and support because I choose not to always be alone in my vulnerable moments.
When your capacity to be attentive and engaged is low, how do you fulfill your relationship, occupational or societal roles? You could choose to cry when the tears bubble as a way to release the energy that your emotions bring with them. You can choose, as I do, to do less work and give more attention on your wellness. It’s important that we dedicate time for ourselves to self-care and to lean on those in our circle of trust during moments of hardship, high stress and poor health. Many people will work through pain, investing more time in their occupation with the belief that if they work harder, longer then they can get rid of the source of the stress. This is a myth. The less capacity we have when vulnerable, the less effective we are in our personal life and in our work life. Working harder does not equate to an alleviation of stress. Working longer hours does not guarantee that you will feel more energized. Focusing on “work matters” over your “life matters” does not resolve worries or rejuvenate your spirit. Investing in your wellness allows you to recharge and possibly extend your capacity to tend to your sources of stress in a thoughtful and intentional manner.
Our pasalubong, our offering, for you is to consider how you recharge when your capacity is low:
What are sources of stress for you?
How do you know when your capacity to go through your day, be present at work, and be present in your personal life is low?
How do you know when your capacity to go through your day, be present at work, and be present in your personal life is high?
What are your own blind spots when you choose to tough it out while in a vulnerable state?
What have you done before in response to stress that was energy depleting or unhelpful?
What are useful activities you have done to manage stress and reenergize?
What are additional ways you can reenergize when feeling stressed?
Your occupation can be a source for financial stability, as a coping tool, and a mode for social connections. It can also have its drawbacks as a stressor which is why relying solely on it to sustain you when feeling vulnerable in some way can be detrimental to feeling energized, reassured, and confident. We urge you to lean on those you trust, on the interests that bring you comfort, on the activities that add value into your life when your capacity to be present in your life is down. In other words, prioritize your wellness and not your workload or job to care for you holistically.
Wishing you more time to recharge,
Angel, on behalf of The Giving Well