Why Crying is Self-Care
February 2024
Dear Kaibigan,
Crying is normal. Crying is healthy. Crying is taking care of ourselves.
I know that crying is often seen as a sign of vulnerability and helplessness. In many cultures, a sign of weakness and lacking in masculinity. A behavior only girls or women should display, and only for “good reason” based on patriarchy’s definitions.
Crying is an Emotional Wellness Essential
I was questioned sternly, “why are you crying?” when I was being reprimanded by an adult during my childhood. I learned then that crying was a problem for others. Yet, we as children are too innocent and not yet wise to make this distinction. We interpret, through our egocentric mind, encounters like these to mean that there is something abnormal with crying or with us. We get older with this socialization that it’s wrong, and for some, dangerous to cry. We develop coping mechanisms to survive our experiences that make sense in the context of our socialization. Some of us get really skilled at not emoting through tears. While others cry as they please. And some fall somewhere in between.
I’m telling you that crying is a powerful form of self-care for our health. Crying is a valuable and essential aspect of emotional wellness which encompasses the ability to acknowledge, understand, and express our feelings in healthy ways. Crying involves cultivating a positive relationship with our emotions, allowing ourselves to feel and process them fully. While society may pressure us to silence our tears and put on a brave face, allowing ourselves to welcome this natural release can be incredibly beneficial for our overall well-being.
Natural to Cry
I cry easily and frequently because of stories in books, touching moments in shows and movies, talking about the people I love, reading and re-reading letters, and when I’m feeling grateful for who and where I’m at in my life. I cried when I moved out of my natal home. I’ve cried whenever I leave family and friends after a visit. I cried when I reached life milestones like graduation and getting the job I wanted. I cried when I returned home to the Philippines for the first time (and I cry every time I return upon seeing the land overlap with the ocean). I’ve cried during moments of celebration and periods of losses and times of reunion and relief.
Crying, at its core, is a natural and instinctive response to emotional stimuli. Crying is a cathartic course that helps us process and release our emotions. It acts as an emotional release valve, allowing us to let go of the pent-up stress, sadness, anger, or frustration that we may have been carrying. It can help us to express our joys, happiness and excitement over the fun and good events in our lives. Suppressing any of our emotions can have damaging effects on our mental and physical health, so crying provides us with a healthy outlet to express and process our inner commotion.
Crying is Self-Validating
In a society that often encourages us to always remain strong and keep our emotions in check, crying can be a form of self-compassion. When we allow ourselves to cry, we acknowledge our pain and give ourselves permission to feel and grieve without judgment. When we allow ourselves to cry as we experience joy or fear or anger, we also accept these emotions as our natural responses to an event in our lives. Crying offers us an opportunity to be vulnerable with ourselves. By acknowledging and honoring our emotions through tears, we validate our own experiences and show ourselves that we matter. And our experiences matter.
I’ve witnessed mothers and fathers cry and ball into their grief over the murder of their child. I’ve seen teens and adults shrink into agony from their first heartbreak and dissolution of their partnership. I’ve watched terrified incarcerated juveniles and adults walk back into their cells shaking, hoping they’ll stay safe and alive. I’ve listened to the stories of enraged assault survivors lean into their anger and bravery. I’ve sat with the young and not-so-young describe their fears of feeling unhappy, anxious, depressed, lonely, and all these all at once. And in each of these situations, what I saw was accompanied by uninhibited guttural crying. The kind of tears that flushed out of the primal part of their bodies in response to a human experience that could not be described sufficiently and accurately through words.
You see, kaibigan, crying is a universal language that gives us a way to tap into our deepest selves and connect with our innermost emotions. It can be easy to bury our true feelings beneath layers of distractions and responsibilities in our busy lives. As a counterbalance, crying allows us to peel back those layers and delve into our emotional core. It opens the floodgates of self-expression, self-reflection and self-awareness, helping us gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and what we truly need.
Crying is Physically Self-Soothing
Apart from its emotional benefits, crying can also have physical advantages. Studies have shown that tears, particularly emotional tears, contain stress hormones and toxins that accumulate during periods of heightened emotion. Our bodies release these stress hormones each time we shed tears, allowing us to experience a sense of relief. The act of crying can also release endorphins, our body's natural painkillers, which can provide a soothing effect and promote a sense of well-being. Crying physically clears our bodies of toxins and it cleanses our souls. How marvelous that we have the ability to physically restore ourselves this way!
Crying Breeds Perspective
Crying can provide us with a newfound clarity and perspective. Shedding tears can help us gain insights and understanding that were previously elusive amid emotional turmoil. It's often during these vulnerable moments that we experience personal growth and emotional breakthroughs. Crying opens us up to a depth of self-reflection, enabling us to confront our pain, confront our truth, and ultimately find solace within ourselves.
Our society can glorify stoicism and emotional detachment. It’s vital that we recognize the inherent beauty and strength in embracing our tears. Crying is not a sign of weakness; it's an act of courage, resilience, and self-care. By allowing ourselves to cry, we demonstrate a willingness to confront our emotions head-on, honoring our authentic selves.
So, let’s challenge the stigma surrounding tears. We can shift into a world where crying is not viewed as a display of fragility but rather as a testament to our emotional depth and strength. Let’s encourage one another to cry, knowing that by doing so, we actively pursue emotional wellness and foster compassion within ourselves and our communities.
Our pasalubong this month are ideas to make crying a luxurious (and free) self-care experience for you:
Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket and surround yourself with fluffy pillows or cushions.
Put together a playlist of songs that make you cry or support you shedding tears.
Share what’s on your mind and confide in a friend who you trust. Cry into the arms of this person. Ask them to stroke your hair or back if that feels comforting.
Lie down or sit on a soft surface and allow yourself to cry from your gut. Make any sound and allow your body to glide into any position without resistance, judgment and worry about being too loud or too anything. Just flow into your crying.
Put on fresh bed linens and cry nestled in bed.
Take a warm shower or soak in a warm bath as you cry.
Light candles or incense or turn on oil diffusers with your favorite fragrances. Allow the scents to fill your space as you cry. Breathe them in with each sob.
Cry wearing your softest pajamas or loungewear. Think loose fitting to allow for any movement and to diminish restricting sensations.
Practice shinrin-yoku and go into nature – a hiking trail, a garden for instance – and let nature hold space for your tears.
Ask for a hug and allow this person to hold you. If touch is not your thing, wrap a blanket or sweater around you.
By allowing yourself the space and freedom to shed tears, you provide an avenue for healing, emotional growth, and renewed self-awareness. Next time you feel the urge, don't hold back the tears - let them flow and give yourself the gift of self-care.
Angel