October 2021                             

Dear Kaibigan,

A neighbor and I had earlier in the week planned to meet up on a Saturday to garden together with the intention of finishing quickly to enjoy the remains of the day. She kindly offered to go to a café and bring us coffee to sip as we gardened. I was grateful for her thoughtfulness and consideration of me, yet I declined her generosity and shared that I would have had my fill of coffee by the time we met. The days leading up to our gardening date, I realized how silly it was that we would rush ourselves to garden when there was no deadline for us to start or finish. The date and time were self-imposed!

The pandemic had kept us from having spontaneous time together and we’ve had to make plans for outdoor time instead. We both had the mindset to treat the gardening as a chore that had to be completed swiftly rather than seeing it as an opportunity for us to spend quality time together doing an activity that we both enjoy. I wanted to reconnect with this neighbor, who had already become a friend and confidante, and spend time in such a way that gardening was the shared activity with the time together as the main event. I told my friend that I would make us coffee to save her a trip and suggested that we have our coffee before we jump into the laborious work of gardening.

On the Saturday morning, I set up a table covered with a tablecloth, our individual sets of mugs with napkins and French presses placed across from each other, cream and sugar, and two chairs on either side of the table. I waited in my chair looking around up to the sky and to the surrounding plants. I thought about this friend who is also an immigrant and who has shared her stories with me through the years of being a Kiwi growing up in New Zealand and living for years in Australia. I recalled the times earlier this year when we would plan to get together in the garden and have girl talk. I reminisced on the moments when we would casually and incidentally come across one another as one was leaving and the other returning home. The pre-pandemic times when we would spontaneously chat about the fun moments we just had or the frustrations that we were carrying. These incidental kwentuhan moments with this friend were of the many experiences I have missed during the lockdown months and the restrictions imposed by the COIVD-19 pandemic. She and I always have flowing conversations on philosophy, beliefs, cultural experiences, and observations of American lifestyle versus those we know of in New Zealand, Australia and the Philippines. We’ve celebrated, we’ve commiserated, and we’ve laughed during times that occurred merely by chance.

Maybe it was because I had already been lost inside my mind, missing our unexpected conversations. Maybe it was that I missed my friend and wanted to have a meaningful experience in the garden. Perhaps it was the nostalgia that energized me to share with her. I brought up how it felt so good to be sitting while sipping our coffee together. How the gardens, the sidewalk and the garage have become our incidental – unplanned and unexpected – places to hang out and chat. We got on to talking about how the incidental places people had pre-pandemic were completely taken away from our lives. These incidental places where incidental conversations were also borne between strangers.

“Incidental places” is similar to “third places”, a term coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg. He details third places as informal public gathering places where people spend their time between first place (home) and second place (work or school). These third places are where people build relationships, exchange ideas and enjoy time. Oldenburg believed that the most effective third places for building community are where people can regularly check in and connect with one another such as restaurants, cafés, bars, community centers, stores, parks, and places of worship. Incidental and third places are in essence our environment and the relationship that we cultivate to these places and with those who inhabit them either regularly or sporadically.

What would you say is an incidental place where you had a conversation with a stranger? Did this become your third place? What unplanned kwentuhan moments have you had with a neighbor, a friend, a loved one, or a random person?  My friend and I have our gardens as our incidental places that have become our third places. My neighborhood gym and grocery store were other incidental places where I and other visitors chatted by chance and parted ways. Some have become regulars and I felt comforted by their presence even if we didn’t have a conversation. I think about the women in my family where they get together regularly at someone’s house for all types of reasons and that house is their third place. It is also the place where they may naturally and unintentionally run into another relative or a friend of the host and have conversations that connect them to unfamiliar individuals.

The Giving Well can be an incidental and third place for someone to join in on a conversation as a visitor, as a listener or as a contributor. Our community is available in many forms for someone to partake per their choosing. Regular visits to our website for instance and in our activities may lead to incidental interactions with like-minded individuals. In line with Oldenburg’s beliefs on third places, The Giving Well promotes social equity by leveling the status of guests and offering support to individuals.

I look back at my experiences of incidental places and conversations. I remember back in June I was browsing in a shop, and I heard a woman in a dressing room loudly ask, “Can you help me”? I thought she was speaking to the nearby shopkeeper or a friend who was somewhere in the store and so I continued to peruse without acknowledging her. The lady came out and said hello to me. From there she asked for my opinion if the top and skirt went together and would be appropriate for work. I looked her over and asked her how she felt in the clothes and what she liked about each piece. My curiosity helped me to understand that she really liked the blouse, and the skirt was an idea to complement the top she truly wanted. She confided that the blouse made her feel happy because of its pink color and the looseness of the fitting made her feel comfortable. We got to talking about her fashion style, how her work environment had changed due to the pandemic and the individuals she missed. We exchanged names and she commented on the hats I showed her that I thought were fun before she made her purchase and left. Later, I was eying some books in front of a bookstore and heard my name. The same lady from the previous store stopped beside me and told me she landed on the shirt and left the skirt, that she had just popped into a restaurant for her take away and was on her way home where she planned to have her lunch on her deck. I felt elated!! This stranger had given me a glimpse of her personality and day’s events. It felt wonderful to have a surprise encounter with someone completely unknown and new. I felt a deep gratitude for the unplanned connection we shared in the store and on the sidewalk – these incidental places.

Our pasalubong for this month is for you to reacquaint yourself to the incidental places in your life and to the ones that are your regular places of connection, your third places:

• Where was a place I had a conversation with a complete stranger? How did I come to interact with this person or group of individuals? What did I learn about them and myself?

• Who are the people in my life now that I met through a chance encounter and where did I meet each person? List the names of these incidental places and people.

• What has been or is my current third place?

• Describe in detail your ideal third place – the place where you would want to visit regularly to connect with others.

• Make a commitment to yourself to be open to having random conversations with at least one person the next time you’re in public. How would you initiate a conversation or be receptive to someone else’s bid to connect with you?

• How can you create opportunities for connection to others in incidental moments? What questions would you ask them? What meaningful details about yourself would you want to share?

Our bids for emotional connection can be through a common greeting like the lady I met who said hello first. It can be a gesture of kindness such as my friend’s offer to bring coffee. It may be in the form of paying attention to the person near you when out and about as you browse in a store or are waiting for your order or are crossing the street. Your environment holds these incidental places for chance encounters where bids for emotional connection can be gifted and accepted. Perhaps, these incidental places are the beginning of a new relationship you have with your environment, and one becomes your third place. Perhaps, these places simply are where you have a conversation with another human being and feel seen and heard.

Enjoy the connection you have within your environment,

Angel, on behalf of The Giving Well